Mental Download

I feel stuck. I am blogging as I try to unstick myself.

Cold Turkey

Because of health reasons, I cannot use any pain medication. Of course, I need it because I was in a car accident and my hip and back are sore. It is such a bummer.

I’m in pain so I cannot sleep well. And surprise, I ran out of melatonin and cannot use any anyway.

Surgery is more than a week away. This is going to be test of my will.

Vent

I need to vent. My beloved cousin is battling cancer, but it is obvious that cancer is winning. We had a care conference and no timeline was mentioned outright. Her oncologist does not know anything for certain and doesn’t want to pull a number out of his butt. But 1-2 years seems like a realistic expectation, given she has pretty much exhausted her treatment options and only two are left.

I am her only family in MN. Her mom and sister-in-law live in Chicago. Her brother passed 1.5 years ago after a graceful battle with pancreatic cancer. I want to be there for her, but she wants me to live my life. Until lately, I had oodles of free time to hang out with her. But am scheduled to start a new job in a few weeks (which, ironically her husband helped me get). With this news, I want more time, but when she is gone, will I regret not taking this work opportunity I have been hoping for over the last six years? That she wanted me to have too?

I’m so mad at the world. I want her to stay and be the amazing mom she was to her daughters before she was diagnosed. I need her to laugh with and quote the TV show, Martin, and Eddie Murphy’s Delirious and text her gifs of twerking bunnies. I want to stay up late and eat crap food at her house. I want her to live. She is my child’s godmother. I want her to see my baby grow up and have babies of her own.

My realistic husband said there is nothing we can do. I wanna punch him in the face for saying that. But he is right. Life is unfair. And I feel so powerless.

How do I help make these last months of her life amazing? How do I keep going forward and be there for her without breaking down and crying? She is the sister I didn’t have. I already lost her brother, and it was such a blow to the family. Isn’t that enough? Do miracles actually happen? Because we really need one at the moment.

Tired

Too exhausted. I don’t think I can move anymore. I plan not to do any running for the next few days so I can recover. It is too much. My body seems to be freaking out and tired. I am so tired I cannot sleep, if that makes any sense…

Exhausted

I ran less than five miles today amount these amazing and beautiful hills. It has been nice, but wow, my body is so tired. The difference in elevation has more of an impact to my works than I realized.

Grateful

That finally we have a room in the house that is almost nearly decorated. It looks like it was photographed for a design magazine (in my mind.) I love it. It is my favorite place in our home,

Prayers

God, I am not asking you for anything for myself today. But please help my cousin. His marriage is falling apart. Please guide him and his spouse to become partners. Please help them find a way to communicate with each other and learn to be a team. Please show them how wonderful marriage and family can be, because they cannot seem to see that through this turmoil. I love all of them and wish only happiness.